"We live our lives to expect the worst/And once it happens, what is left? We will never have to be surprised again." --- The Ataris, My Hotel Year
I realized that it's been over 4 months since I last posted anything here. In that time, I've started volunteering, going to meetups, made new friends, met lots of girls, been rejected, been through a breakup, been through counseling, and above all...I survived. At this point, unlike any other point in my life, I feel like I'm beginning to conquer the demons of the past. Insecurity. Inadequacy. Fear. Neediness. The downside of extroversion, especially to the degree that I have it.
Today, I took one of the biggest steps I ever have in fixing that. I made up with a friend. Someone I've known for a long time. Someone that I allowed my anger to get the better of me...and almost lost forever. But I'm not content to just up and leave. I'm not content to allow my pride to stonewall something that once was good.
So I apologized. With full disclosure, honesty, and without expectations.
It's going to be a long journey from here...but with this, it feels like life is back on the upswing. That life is beginning to turn around. That the divorce is no longer this crippling poisonous cloud over my head. Truth is, I already did a lot of the work, prior to getting to this point. I've become more secure in my attachments. Become almost CONTENT with being single (a feat in and of itself). Do I still want someone in my life? Absolutely! But I won't look back anymore. It's hard sometimes. In all the countless relationships I've attempted, and the seven that I've had, I had exactly ONE that was happy. And, even though she's gone, and she left without a warning, and it hurts sometimes...it shows me that I can find a happy relationship. With someone like me who likes me. It may have been too much for Jenny to handle. And, even though I don't love her anymore, it makes me happy that that relationship happened. I learned a lot from going through it, and quite frankly, it kept me sane during the period of my greatest loneliness and isolation. Six months ago, when she left, I don't think I could have been happy that it happened...only sad that it was gone. But I've been learning the magic of time. Time, plus effort, will create extraordinary healing, if that's your intention. And I want to be happy. And one day in love. But in the meantime, I have an amazing life, filled with adventures. Friends. So many activities I have to force myself to take time to relax. And a purpose. In the past year and a half, I've survived the utter depths of hell. A divorce, followed by the loss of what I thought was true love. Problems at work. Financial trouble. Lost friendships and connections. You name it. But I've been there, done that, survived...and I'm happy. Happier than I've ever been, in my entire life.
Much love to everyone who reads this. Seriously. I don't talk to a lot of you guys all that much, but you mean a lot to me.